I am going back to FOUNDATIONAL thinking:  It is “Less of me, more of Jesus”, putting Jesus 1st.   A foundational command, “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and everything else will be added” .   As I apply this, in my own life, it has its effect on those around me.  While, at first it is not perfect, in time, those who have held me responsible for their lack are starting to open up and I can see change.  They too can see the need to find healing and stop projecting  on me that I am the solution to their needs.  Next, step, that we see where that begins.  Loving and being loved, is a delicate dance of trust, that begins with wearing your armor.   A key piece of that armor must not be left out.  I have chosen to guard my heart with God’s truth, one thing that stands out, When we are spend so much time focused on ME, ME, ME (or them, them, them), it is evident, it is not about JESUS.  I cannot please man and ignore the Need to put Jesus 1st.

Like the triangle diagram. the closer we get to God, the closer we will get to one another. in a healthy way.  See the diagram below

Seeking God, is instrumental in growing closer to each other. As we grow in our individual relationship with Him we can’t help but to remove the barriers.  The goal, or aim is not to seek to satisfy ourselves or use another to get our needs met.  Living that way makes people, more specifically, our spouse a tool, not a gift, or a treasure.  I remember wanting to be the best wife in the whole wide world. I abandoned everything with a blind faith that someone else had my back. I believed that by doing all I could, I would automatically be be cared for, protected, cherished and loved. I tried doing everything I knew how. After a few years, I wore myself out, become the end-all that poured out to no end, but not the cup that was filled. I created a monster. (Note to self, I created, God didn’t)

Bottom line: Where I was once looking to just give myself away turned into me keeping up an unrealistic and damaging pace.   I was so busy I didn’t even notice, but I struggling to never falling behind. I couldn’t satisfy the ever growing monster of,  ” if you love me, you will do this, or that.”

Now that I am in seeking to find a better way, A new way, I have discovered a few patterns that triggered me to try even harder or threaten to give up.  When I stop to regroup and get the strength, I am examined and called neglectful, If I cry out in pain or hurt, I am called abusive, If I hold it in because, no one would listen, but at times, explode out of desperation, I am called bitter.   Where was the grace, from others or even from myself?  Did I even think to give myself some room to be human?

That is right!  I am only human, and this human is not their rock or their source, I am a co-heir, vessel of Jesus and His spirit, not their well, but somehow I have dipped the bucket so many times, the well ran dry…Jesus is filling it and my cup is not 1/2 empty, it is full, for His use..to over flow where ever He leads. AMEN  I have been told that I need boundaries. I agree, but I need more than that, I need to let go of what I once thought mattered.

Based on my recent honest, analysis of my pain, dysfunction, misery, I can see that, as this pattern of trying to be everything to everyone.  As each day consumed my energy, it produced death,  manifested as frustration, anger, and loneliness.  That is what all the crying, screaming, anger is about.   Trying so hard and hurting myself and those whom I love so much.  Crying out for acceptance or just a little help.   Those who know me, expect me to keep going, to be that someone who’s job is to meet their need. Those , who are on the outside get a view, a dim view with no way to help, it just sounds like complaining and can be toxic.  Plus, who can blame them, it isn’t theirs to fix.    Many do what they can and  pray as they should.   Still, others, offer advice, and there are those who avoid me all together.  I don’t blame them, The Lord has been so faithful to prevent me from finding help in any of these ways, except prayer.

Like the song goes, “I going back to the Heart of worship, and it is all about You, Jesus”

What happened to the Motivational gifts I once operated in??  How did I lose my focus?,  A genuine faith that seeks to please God?  In a day, not long ago, my walk was based on being all God called me to be.  Where did that go?  The desire (He put it there) is still there, the essential ingredients and the capacity to operate from a faith that looks beyond the struggle, and knows if God wants it, and that He will make a way. It is still there. It has been buried under all the hurt, lies, failures, and pollution that comes from being exposed to the ugliness of this world..

My road to a new life….And I am not alone, Jesus is my guide and constant companion…  Getting back to the basics.  Recognizing, how, when, where I got off track is important, but not as important as going back to my FIRST LOVE. Thankfully, He is there with me, leading every step of the way.

I am going back and starting over. Sure rewards and being satisfied is important, but it shouldn’t be the motivation in relationship. I know, we work for compensation, not for free, we sow to reap, yes, we do all this with a belief that it will produce something we want, something we will benefit from. This is not how relationships should work.  It is the opposite of Unconditional love:   When we put expectations on others based on our wants, and only give to see those wants satisfied, we set our selves up for disappointment and miss out on the gift of receiving.  I agree, we should be that which God has called us to be, women of grace, faith, love, gentleness, and strength, but it has to come from God. Doing it in our own strength will lead to exhaustion and frustration.

I am loving this season of waiting on the Lord to open doors, provide opportunities and bring everlasting change. No More Band Aids!

 

I do have a desire, that My husband and I will fulfill this call in our life.

Becoming one fesh the way God intended from the very beginning.

Achieving Oneness Two parts that make a whole as a result of Two people becoming ONE. That’s what I wanted when I choose to get married, wasn’t it?  I wanted Wholeness. Completeness. and ONEness.


Blessings,

Kim Laminen

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